HOW TO FIGHT BIRDS!!

I think if the monkey throws its poop at me, I would forfeit immediately. It probably also has better aim and better dexterity than I do. That being said, I think I could probably box a monkey. Like these things are small. I could probably win, right? Like an ape or something would kill me instantly. But this guy is like 3 feet nothing. How strong could he be? And I would not eat a human, so I certainly would not eat a monkey.

I could easily destroy a bat in a fight. What's it gonna do? Fly away? It forfeits the fight if it exits the arena. Worse comes to worst, I just have to stake it out. That being said, I would not eat a bat. These are terrible little filth rodents, and you could not pay me to put one in my mouth.

Komodo Dragons have like poison or acid or whatever that they can spray at you, but I feel like if I just stand at a distance and pelt it with rocks, I could eventually tire it out and then stomp it. That being said, I have terrible aim and even worse constitution, so I would probably lose as soon as its venom started spraying. And needless to say, I would not eat this thing. I think it would probably actually kill me.

Condors are BIG. Like this thing would mess me up. It can fly, too, and they've got sharp talons. Like this thing just has to like start flying and scratching me and pecking me, and it's all over. That said, I think a couple of well-placed rocks could be able to take one out, but then again, I am very weak. I also don't think they would taste very good. I imagine their meat is stringy and disgusting.

The fight is taking place on dry land, so despite the whale's incredible size advantage and my inability to deal meaningful damage to it, I would just have to wait for it to implode upon its own weight, which should take no more than like 3 minutes. After that, I mean, whale isn't the most appetizing thing ever, but like, I wouldn't say no. Y'know?

I think the other birds could kick my ass, but penguins can't fly. They can't run. They can't kick. They can barely peck. What is a penguin gonna do? Waddle me to death? I could probably just wait for the sun to kill it, right? And then after that, I guess I'll be making a trip to KFC tonight if you catch my drift.

Take what I said for the penguin and the bat and put them together. This thing is like tiny. A big bird could peck me to death, but I feel like if this pheasant ever tried to attack me, I could just grab it and toss it in the oven like that. And damn, do I want to. You ever have roast pheasant? That's the stuff right there, baby.

I don't think a walrus could catch me and kill me, but I think if I ever tried to fight one, it would turn me into a thin paste with its 8000 pound body. I think if it flapped its flippers at me, I would dissolve into a fine red mist. That being said, if I do manage to beat it, well. I mean, I've never had walrus, and I don't imagine it's quite a filet mignon, but an animal with that much fat has gotta taste at least alright. Right?

While it's true that a secretary bird could kick a concussion into me from 4 feet away or peck me to death or kill me from the air, I think the deciding factor here is that, even if I could hurt one, I wouldn't. Have you seen these things? Downright majestic. I mean, what a beautiful animal. Evolution was cooking with gas when it made these things. I could not bring myself to harm a feather on its body, let alone defeat it in gladitorial combat. That being said, if there's one that's already dead, then, well. Let's just say Thanksgiving dinner is gonna come early this year.